BY SALLY KOENIG

2015 was our year.

Engaged, married, and just in time to tell both our families Christmas day: PREGNANT!

We were elated as the weeks ticked over. There’s nothing like the secret of a first bub and all that it conjures up in your heart and mind. Living in a country town we were careful as we would do stealth walks through the baby section of Target – me dragging Josh of course but him buying baby Fremantle Dockers merch! It felt like a military style operation at times concealing our news. Especially over summer and new years with occasions being celebrated with lemonade drank out of emptied cider cans.

Before long it came time for the 12-week scan. I remember it so vividly, the moment the ultrasound wand waves over your body and like a magic eight ball suddenly a tiny little heartbeat and person appears; one way or another, a parents destiny. Josh came to every scan and we smiled as we saw our baby for the first time.

As the wand continued to wave over my tummy notes and measurements were taken.

Towards the end, the sonographer came back to discuss a measurement where she had noticed a 'thick fold on the neck.' She had a strong accent and when I asked what she meant she said ‘a chance for down syndrome.’ Tears streamed down my face and Josh seemed so far from me in that tiny room as I lay staring at him fear in our hearts and eyes. ‘Just a chance’ she kept saying in that thick accent over and over.

We booked in with our doctor immediately. We needed a definitive answer and so booked to get the harmony test. With both our families surrounding us that night we convinced ourselves however the baby just had a thick neck like dad.

A week later results told us otherwise though and with 99% certainty, we had a little baby with down syndrome.

The doctor confirmed with a kind but honest tale of possible illnesses but that generally, they are ‘happy cherubs.’ With that, in an unspoken way, we walked out suddenly 'with a decision to make' a burden greater than any diagnosis which for 2 days broke my heart.

It’s amazing what your mind can conjure up from a place of fear and the unknown.

Immediately after our diagnosis I honestly felt like I’d failed Josh. At 35 I was the ‘older Mum’, we both wondered ‘if we could do it,’ I even wondered if we would travel again. I incorrectly assumed and imagined all the ‘typical things’ they would never achieve. I grieved for the child I thought we were ‘meant’ to have. I felt in those two days when abortion lay heavy on our minds that we were also actually making a decision for future siblings. What would it mean for their lives?

I think though on reflection the greatest fear for us and perhaps others when given a diagnosis of down syndrome is wrapped around the potential health implications. Our minds raced wondering if ‘we were doing the right thing’ in bringing a child into the world who could suffer through illness and hardship. Doesn’t any parent only want the best for their children? But where would this notion of ‘perfection’ end and what did that even mean?

We soon made peace with this though, realising of course that any child can develop illnesses and would it make me or most parents not still want to have that beautiful child despite any struggles and challenges. Of course not.

Above everything, I couldn’t get past the fact of how lucky I felt that we had fallen pregnant so easily – the first time. Right or wrong our little baby had won the greatest race of all and earnt their place in the world – who were we to deny them that. We had fallen pregnant with the perfect baby. We had what so many people yearned so longingly for a little person growing who we could love and cherish.

We aren’t here to judge and everyone has to do what is right for them and their families. For us, though we had already both fallen in love with our little one, so in the end, we made peace knowing, in fact, there was no decision to be made. Instead, we proceeded with confidence and unconditional love announcing from that day forward we were pregnant and our baby had down syndrome. The tidal wave of support from family and friends was unbelievable.

We were referred to the Royal Women’s in Melbourne where we had increased scans and monitoring. In the end, we were induced at 35.5 weeks due to concerns around the placenta but I was happy we were able to have a natural birth.

We named our son Oskar which means warrior and that is what he has been from day one. We have been so fortunate with his health and the only thing that kept us from going home was getting his feeding on track. Two weeks later and finally putting on weight we took our little man home.

Fast forward 4 years next month and Oskar has been joined by Adeline, two, and Banjo, 7 months.

So what’s it like having a child with down syndrome? As far as I can tell so far with 3 bubs under 4 much the same as the other two.

He reaches milestones in his own time which are so rewarding as I know they don’t come as easily. He has an annual paediatrician appointment check up, we get his hearing tested and we work with a speech pathologist. Oskar brings a depth to our family we would never have known without his diagnosis. How lucky are we too that thanks to Oskar we all learn another language – Auslan!

He is in many respects just a typical little boy he loves his cars, trucks, outdoor adventures (especially jumping in puddles!), the playground and books. He does swimming lessons and goes to childcare one day a week where he is embraced by his peers. In fact, Oskar seems to be quite well known locally and it is not uncommon for Josh or I to be in the supermarket and have many people say hello to Oskar who we don’t even know. A lovely thing in our small community. He is warm, affectionate and without fail will always join Josh and I when we hug.

So did we get the ‘happy cherub’ we were told about? A hundred percent but we also get the tantrums, tears and meltdowns like any other child.

So what would I go back and tell myself if I had my time again when I received that diagnosis? What would I tell others also in that same position? I’d say CONGRATULATIONS! Your life has just taken the most beautiful diversion you could ever imagine. I’d acknowledge and allow myself and them the grace to have that initial worry but be convinced by the fact it is undeniably worth the leap of faith.

I’d also say too that no child I could have ever dreamed up in my imagination will ever come close to exceeding the three we have been blessed with.

Oskar made us parents and now he is a wonderful and gentle caring big brother to Adeline & Banjo and boy do they have a bond like no other which brings us the greatest joy. We wouldn't want him any other way. He is the son we were meant to have and every day he teaches us his worth and place in this world.

Oskar’s proud Mum,

Sallie Koenig

You can follow Sally and Oskar’sjourney on Instagram @lessonsfromoskar

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