MOURNING THE OLD ME

Image: Supplied

BY JADE FOX

Becoming a mother is transformative. And the changes happen immediately, whether we are ready or not. In defence of our bodies, it does give us nine months to warm up to the idea. Nine whole months to read, learn, fantasise and determine what type of Mum we will be, and what kind of baby we hope to have. We lie to ourselves when we say, “My temperament is calm so my baby will be”, or “I’ll sleep when the baby sleeps.” And theoretically this should be correct – it’s only logical, right? 

During the first month, I drove myself mad trying to work out the reason behind my newborn’s tears and tantrums wondering what I did wrong and feeling like a failure each day when ‘witching hour*’ (read; hours*) strikes. Not only was I learning an entirely new skill set, while my hormones rage, my body ached and my sleep stores depleted, but I was also mourning my old self and turning into someone I do not recognise, both physically and emotionally. This is something I didn’t prepare for. The naive, childless me thought I’d be the same person but with a constant and very cute plus one that would just slot right into my life.

I was wrong.

Going through pregnancy changed me. The birth altered my state of mind and the first 24 hours of entering motherhood, had challenged every piece of me. I was battling between the old and new me. I desperately wanted to latch onto the bits of me that made me, me but it seemed impossible to keep my silly sense of humour, my easy-going nature and vain exterior (I’m a Libran… that should explain it) when I was falling apart. Every brain cell, every moment is consumed by motherhood, right down to ordering no onion on my burger because it may or may not upset Freddie’s stomach, and my fashion choices are now restricted by a. whatever fits me and, b. my boobs can be easily accessible. This is so not how I ever imagined myself.

But the hard truth is, I’m not the same person and I never will be again. And this is something that initially left me feeling saddened and confused. I was only a few weeks into my journey as a mother, and I already missed my old self and felt guilty for this. The transformation was inevitable so why was I placing so much pressure on myself to be the same old me? 

Slowly, as the hours turned into days, days into weeks, my perspective shifted, and I realised that to crave my old self was to go backwards. Once I stopped punishing myself, I soon understood the pressure I felt was the result of fighting an unwinnable fight to again be that fun, career-driven, wine-loving, independent size 6 girl that I was, suddenly disintegrated.

I began to feel much lighter. I noticed all my good qualities, the ones that matter, are now being amplified, as well as new qualities I didn’t even know I had, are starting to shine through. Qualities like empathy, patience, softness, intuition, endurance and positivity are all heightened and present every single day. They have to be. These are qualities that my baby needs the most and that have been lying in wake, waiting for this moment to propel out of me. Qualities that are not unique to me, but ones we share as mothers.

Go easy on yourself, mama. Evolve and let go of the old and embrace what is new, because, without these unified traits, we can not endure the dark pockets of motherhood or relish in the golden times.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Jade Fox is a writer, wife and a new mama to Freddie Wilde. Using words as a medium to help navigate her way through the beautiful and overwhelming journey through motherhood, Jade hopes to use her time spent couchbound during cuddles and cluster feeds to share honest, personal essays from her and fellow mamas she admires through her soon-to-be-launched platform, Dilateonline.com. You can also follow her on Instagram @jaderachelefox and @dear_dilate.